Recovery Contract : How JADE Protocol and Safety Plans Help
In complex relationship dynamics, navigating acute conflict and instability requires structured therapeutic and legal frameworks. In Canada, couples facing severe distress or transitional crises often utilize recovery contracts—sometimes referred to in counselling settings as contract marriages or postnuptial recovery agreements—alongside specialized de-escalation protocols like the JADE-free framework and structured Safety Plans.
1. Understanding Recovery Agreements
A recovery contract or contract marriage framework is a formal agreement between partners to pause major legal, financial, and relational decisions for a specified period (typically one year)
Key Elements of a Recovery Contract:
Decision Cooling-Off Period: Partners commit to doing nothing that alters their social, legal, or financial frameworks for at least 12 months (e.g., pausing divorce proceedings, house sales, or asset distribution)
Commitment to Therapy: Both individuals engage in structured couples or individual therapy (such as Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction or Narrative Therapy) rather than acting out in anger
Protection of Assets & Family: Pausing destructive conflict protects equity, minor children, and long-term financial stability during acute stress phases
2. The JADE Protocol: Breaking the Defensive Argument Cycle
When emotional distress and mistrust run high, partners often become trapped in unproductive communication loops.
Broken Bonds-Communication on the Cs of 1- Core Values 2- Common Vision 3- Closeness 4- Cognition-World View 5- Complicating factors 6- Commitment 7- Contentment 8- Connection .
What is JADE?
JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain
In high-conflict situations driven by fear, obsession, guilt, or shame, engaging in JADE only fuels further hostility and re-traumatization
Adopting a JADE-Free Approach:
Shift to BIFF Communication: Replace JADE with BIFF—Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm statements
Step Back: Recognize when emotional intensity rises above safe levels and step back before responding defensiveness
Acknowledge Without Escalating: Refuse to enter defensive debates over past allegations or triggers, focusing instead on immediate calm [source:
3. Implementing a Structured Safety Plan
A comprehensive Safety De-escalation Plan provides clear, actionable guidelines to maintain safety, set boundaries, and prevent crises
The 4 D Safety Framework:
D1 – Disengage: Stop reactive arguments, explaining, or confronting when tension rises
D2 – De-escalate: Utilize grounding micro-practices, diaphragmatic breathing (“One Breath at a Time”), and time-outs to reduce physiological arousal
D3 – Disentangle: Establish strict boundaries across financial, digital, and interpersonal domains (e.g., digital detox, eliminating triggering contacts)
D4 – Dis-ease Resolution: Transition from high-risk distress to sustainable emotional and relational stability
The BASIC ID De-escalation Approach:
Behavior: Replace reactive outbursts with safe actions, such as taking voluntary digital timeouts or physically stepping away
Affect & Sensation: Log feelings and practice deep breathing before speaking
Cognition & Imagery: Reframe escalating thoughts into rational, calming alternatives
Interpersonal & Biological: Engage with professional therapy support, prioritize sleep, and restrict triggering social interactions
Conclusion
Combining a 1-year recovery contract with JADE-free communication protocols and a 4 D Safety Plan offers a structured pathway out of crisis. By prioritizing stability, de-escalation, and accountability, couples can protect their well-being and make informed decisions about their future
CUSTOMIZED RECOVERY PLAN- to have a customized recovery plan based on your particular context and culture, contact Prashant Bhatt, MD(India), MA (Honours), RP, Registered Psychotherapist, with training in Integrative Couples and Sex Therapy-ICST, Cognitive Processing of Trauma-CPT, and Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction-MBSR.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Johnson, S. M., & Campbell, T. L. (2021). A primer for emotionally focused individual therapy (EFIT): Cultivating fitness and growth in every client. Routledge.
Nelson, T., Wahrman, O., Rosenfeld, S., & Slade, S. (2020). Sex and imago relationship therapy. Integrative sex and couples therapy: A therapist’s guide to new and innovative approaches, 45-58.
Worthington Jr., E. L. (2013). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Routledge.
It is easy to see the beginning of things, and hard to see the ends,” Joan Didion wrote in her essay Goodbye to all that in which she remembers with clarity when New York began for her but could not lay her fingers upon the moment it ended, to cut through the ambiguities and second starts and broken resolves to the exact place where one is no longer as optimistic as one once was (Didion, 1968)
STAIR NARRATIVE THERAPY is an evidence-based adaptation of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). It combines practical skills for managing emotions and relationships with narrative techniques to help individuals understand and reshape the stories they tell about themselves and their experiences. This approach helps clients build emotional resilience, strengthen healthy relationships, and feel empowered to move forward.
In conversations, repeated patterns such as defensiveness, blaming, or withdrawing need to be addressed by
Emotion Identification and Mapping
Emotion mapping means noticing what emotions you feel in response to different situations or interactions, and where you notice them in your body. In our sessions, we will walk through specific examples together, identify emotions as they come up, and explore patterns in when and how they appear. This helps you become more aware of your feelings and what triggers them, creating a foundation for change.
Objectives
Create a comprehensive emotion inventory.
Eg- abandonment, feeling lost, uncertainty
Practice emotion labeling and recognition.
Eg- Abandonment- leads to a trait of being lonely, isolated, poor self-esteem, poor self-worth, leading to a to-and-fro cycle.
Begin understanding emotion-behavior connections.
Eg- getting into arguments and defensiveness- which you know very well the consequences
Interventions
Emotion mapping exercise for fear, shame, anger, and sadness
Practice identifying physical sensations of emotions.
Introduction to emotion regulation strategies
Homework: Emotion diary with trigger tracking. Please write in your diary at least once daily, noting the emotions you experienced, the situations or interactions that triggered them, and any physical sensations you noticed. Include details such as who was involved, what happened, how you felt before, during, and after, and how you responded. We will review your entries together in our sessions to identify patterns, build awareness, and practice new strategies for understanding and managing your emotions
NARRATIVE THERAPY
Primary Objectives
Externalize trauma and relationship problems from personal identity.
The partner is not the problem /personality disorder, but the trauma, loss (pregnancy and infant loss ), and repeated traumatization, lack of affirmation, which is feeding the trauma cycle.
Re-author their relationship story from conflict to collaboration.
Work together rather than blame each other.
Integrate cultural values with adaptive relationship practices.
Process immigration trauma and cultural displacement
Establish new shared meanings and rituals for their relationship.
Long-term Outcomes
Renewed commitment and connection in marriage
Integration of Pakistani cultural values with the Western context
Healing from individual and collective trauma
Establishment of a new cultural identity as Pakistani-Americans
Take your time reflecting on this, and share it with me if it feels right for you. Please know that you can move at your own pace, and I am here to support you through each step.
Try 8-10 sessions for trauma work, followed by 2 sessions for reviewing lessons.
and 8-10 sessions for narrative therapy work, with two sessions for review
Total: 24 sessions
The sessions are structured as follows:
– 8–10 sessions focused on trauma work (including emotion mapping and regulation)
– 8–10 sessions dedicated to narrative therapy techniques and relationship story re-authoring
– 2 review sessions after each phase to reinforce learning and measure progress
This clear structure will help you understand what to expect at each stage. We will adjust pacing as needed to ensure your comfort and progress.
Through the Lens of Love: Integrating Imago Therapy and Photography-Based Art Therapy for Couples and Families
When words fail, the camera remembers. When silence grows, beauty calls us back to each other.
Preface: The Philosopher with a Camera
“I believe in beauty. I believe in stones and water, air and soil, people and their future and their fate.” — Ansel Adams
Ansel Adams was born on February 20th. He was not simply a photographer. He was a philosopher who chose the camera as his instrument of faith — faith in the visible world, and in the invisible beauty that lives just beneath its surface.
He developed the Zone System — a revolutionary method of understanding light and shadow, of determining proper exposure and adjusting contrast in the final print. Every photograph, he taught, is a deliberate negotiation between what is seen and what is felt, between what is captured and what is allowed to breathe in the dark.
It is perhaps no accident that this framework — born from a love of mountains and light — holds within it a profound metaphor for what happens inside a marriage that is slowly going dark.
This blog is a continuation of our earlier exploration of Imago Relationship Therapy for South Asian immigrant couples. Here, we go further — weaving into that clinical framework the healing power of photography-based art therapy, drawing on the philosophy of Ansel Adams, the documentary humanity of Paul Strand, and the quiet wisdom of teachers like Mr. Tirtha Das Gupta (TDG) of the School of Fototechnik, Delhi — who believed, without apology, that photography is one of the three essential skills for surviving the modern world.
We now believe it may also be essential for saving a marriage.
The Silent Dinner Table as an Underexposed Frame
Return, for a moment, to the couple we met before. A suburban Canadian home. Two people. One table. Two phone screens casting their cold light into the silence between them.
In photographic terms, this scene is underexposed.
There is light in the room — there is always light — but neither person has learned how to let enough of it in. The aperture of their connection has closed over years of unspoken hurt, immigration stress, cultural dislocation, and the long accumulation of unmet needs. The image that remains is dark, flat, and lacking in contrast. It does not yet tell the full story of who they are to each other.
The work of Imago Therapy — and now, photography-based art therapy — is to adjust the exposure. To bring back the shadow detail that has been lost. To retrieve the image of the relationship that is still there, waiting in the dark to be developed.
Why Photography as Art Therapy?
When TDG told his students that photography was one of the three things necessary for survival in the modern world, he was not speaking only of technical skill. He was speaking of a way of seeing — a discipline of attention that refuses to let the world pass by unexamined.
“Over the years I have realized that photography is a very useful way to grow as a human being, to not live a mechanical ‘animal’ existence, to refine one’s tastes and to be one with Beauty.”
This insight aligns profoundly with the goals of art therapy in a clinical context. Photography-based art therapy is not about producing technically perfect images. It is about:
Slowing down perception — forcing the eye, and therefore the mind, to truly look
Externalizing the internal — giving shape, frame, and form to feelings that resist language
Creating shared meaning — offering couples a non-verbal bridge across the silence
Reclaiming agency — allowing people who feel helpless in their relationships to make deliberate, creative choices
Witnessing beauty — reconnecting with wonder, which is the antidote to contempt
For the South Asian immigrant couple navigating the intersection of cultural displacement and relational rupture, photography offers something particularly powerful: it does not require fluency in the emotional vocabulary of Western therapy. It only requires a willingness to look.
Art at Old Mills-Toronto- Over the decades I have had the good fortune of being mentored by some artists who have shared their insights and expanded my thinking. In Photography-one of them has been Tirtha Das Gupta, LRPS, of Delhi. Another Mentor, whom I will call T is a musician, spiritual fellow traveler with whom I have spent many lovely hours exploring life and art- sitting by the Humber- at Old Mills-Etienne Brule Park and surrounding areas.
The Zone System as a Map of the Relationship
Adams’ Zone System divides the tonal range of a photograph into eleven zones, from pure black (Zone 0) to pure white (Zone X). The photographer’s skill lies in understanding where each element of a scene falls on this scale — and making deliberate choices about how to render it.
This system becomes a startlingly precise metaphor for the emotional landscape of a couple in crisis:
Zone
Photographic Meaning
Relational Meaning
Zone 0
Pure black — no detail
Complete emotional shutdown; stonewalling
Zone I–II
Near-black; barely visible
Chronic withdrawal; minimal contact
Zone III–IV
Dark shadows with some detail
Surface-level interaction; polite distance
Zone V
Middle grey — the balance point
Functional coexistence; neutral ground
Zone VI–VII
Light with visible texture
Moments of warmth; glimpses of connection
Zone VIII–IX
Bright highlights; almost white
Deep vulnerability; genuine intimacy
Zone X
Pure white — detail lost in overexposure
Emotional flooding; dysregulation
The couple at the dinner table lives in Zones I through III. The silence is not emptiness — it is shadow detail waiting to be recovered. The task of therapy is not to blast everything into Zone X through forced emotional intensity, but to gently, deliberately move the couple toward Zone V and beyond — toward the middle ground where texture and humanity begin to reappear.
This framework can be introduced to couples visually, using actual photographic prints or even printed grey scale cards, making abstract emotional concepts tangible and culturally accessible — particularly for a husband who may find emotional language uncomfortable but responds well to systems and structure.
Paul Strand, Lewis Hine, and the Dignity of the Immigrant Gaze
Before we enter the therapy room with our camera, we must pause at a profound historical intersection.
Paul Strand — who played a decisive role in Ansel Adams choosing photography over music — was himself shaped by Lewis Hine, the great documentarian of America’s new immigrants in the early twentieth century. Hine’s photographs did not capture immigrants as burdens or curiosities. They captured them as full human beings — with dignity, complexity, and stories that deserved to be seen.
Strand inherited this gaze. His teacher at New York’s Ethical Culture School gave him not only technical skills but a moral framework: that the camera is an instrument of witness, and that to photograph a human being is an act of responsibility.
For our South Asian immigrant couple, this lineage matters deeply. They too are immigrants. They too have been looked at — by institutions, by neighbours, by the new culture that surrounds them — through lenses that often reduce rather than expand their humanity. One of the quiet injuries of immigration is precisely this: the feeling of being seen wrongly, or not seen at all.
Photography-based art therapy, rooted in this humanistic tradition, offers them the radical experience of controlling the gaze — of choosing what to photograph, what to show, what to name as beautiful, what to declare worthy of a frame.
“Most creative people are strongly humanistic. Artists must be free to create and offer the products of their imagination and emotion to the world.”
In the therapy room, both partners become artists. And the first subject they are asked to photograph is not a landscape. It is the life they have built together — in all its shadows and its light.
The Integrated Framework: Imago Therapy Meets the Photographic Eye
🌅 Phase One: The First Exposure — Creating Safety Through Shared Seeing
Before any emotionally charged dialogue begins, the therapist introduces a shared photography assignment designed to do what early Imago sessions do: establish safety and curiosity.
Assignment — “What I See That You Don’t Know I See”:
Each partner is given a simple camera — a phone camera is entirely sufficient — and asked to spend one week photographing:
Three things in their shared home that bring them quiet comfort
One thing that represents how they feel right now
One image that reminds them of why they chose each other
There are no captions required. No explanations. Just images.
They bring these photographs to the next session — printed if possible, displayed on a phone if not. The therapist then uses the Imago Dialogue structure not around a verbal statement, but around a photograph.
The wife shows the image that represents how she feels right now: a half-empty teacup, cold, sitting on the windowsill with the grey Canadian winter outside.
The husband mirrors: “What I see in your image is… a cup that has gone cold. Something that was warm and is now waiting. Did I see that right?”
She nods. Perhaps for the first time, he has described her inner world accurately — not because she told him in words that felt like accusations, but because a photograph held the feeling at a safe distance, allowing both of them to look at it together.
This is the genius of art therapy in couple work: it triangulates the pain. Instead of two people facing each other with their wounds, they are both facing the image — and through it, finding a new way toward each other.
📷 Phase Two: The Zone System Dialogue — Mapping the Emotional Landscape Together
In the second phase of integration, the therapist introduces the Zone System as a shared vocabulary — a non-clinical, non-pathologizing language for emotional experience.
Each partner is asked:
“If you had to photograph your experience in this marriage right now, what zone would that image live in? What does that look like?”
The husband, who has been reluctant to speak in emotional terms, may find this entry point genuinely accessible. He is not being asked to describe his feelings. He is being asked to think visually — a different cognitive pathway that may bypass his defenses.
He might say: “Zone III. You can see there’s something there, but it’s mostly dark.”
She might say: “Zone II. I feel like I’m almost invisible.”
The therapist then asks — gently, without pressure:
“What would it take to move one zone toward the light? Not all the way to Zone VIII. Just one zone. What would that look like in your daily life together?”
This question — small, specific, photographically framed — becomes the Behaviour Change Request of Imago Therapy, translated into the visual language of the Zone System. It is not overwhelming. It is not asking for a complete transformation. It is asking for one stop of additional exposure. One small shift toward visibility.
🤝 Phase Three: The Collaborative Photograph — Making Something Together
As the couple moves deeper into the therapeutic work — as the Imago Dialogue begins to surface childhood wounds, old Imago patterns, and the grief of feeling perpetually unseen — the therapist introduces the most powerful assignment in this integrated approach:
The Collaborative Photograph.
Both partners go out together — to a park, a market, a familiar neighbourhood — with a single camera, and they make one photograph together. They must:
Agree on the subject
Agree on the framing
One holds the camera; the other adjusts the angle
They take one final image — together
This seemingly simple exercise contains extraordinary therapeutic depth. It requires:
Negotiation — the foundation of healthy relationship
Attunement — paying attention to what the other person sees as beautiful
A shared product — something they made together that did not exist before
When they bring this image to the next session, the therapist asks them to describe not the photograph, but the process of making it.
Who noticed the subject first? How did you decide on the frame? Was there a moment of disagreement? How did you resolve it? What did it feel like when you finally took the shot?
This conversation — about a photograph — is almost always also a conversation about the marriage. The patterns that emerge in the thirty minutes of collaborative photography are the same patterns that have been playing out for years across dinner tables and long silences. But here, they are observable, nameable, and — crucially — changeable in real time.
🌿 Phase Four: The Archive — Recovering the Visual History of Love
Ansel Adams understood that the photograph is not a record of the past — it is a conversation with it. He spent decades in his darkroom, not just printing new images but returning to old negatives, discovering in them new meanings that were not visible at the time of capture.
In this phase, the therapist invites the couple to bring photographs from their shared past — from before the silence descended. Wedding photographs. Travel images. A picture from their first home. A photo of a festival celebrated together in the early years.
Using the Imago Dialogue, each partner is invited to respond to a shared photograph:
“When you look at this image, what do you remember feeling? What did you believe about us then that you’re not sure you believe now? What do you miss?”
This is grief work, tenderly done. It is also hope work — because the fact that the photograph exists means the warmth existed too. It was real. It was captured. It has not been destroyed. It has only been waiting — like a negative in a drawer — to be developed in the light of the present moment.
For many South Asian couples, this archive exercise carries an additional layer of meaning. Many of their wedding photographs were taken in ceremonial contexts saturated with collective beauty — families gathered, colors vivid, rituals alive. These images connect them not only to each other but to a whole world that immigration has placed at a geographic and sometimes emotional distance. Revisiting these photographs in therapy can be a powerful act of cultural reclamation — a reminder that beauty, community, and belonging are not lost but waiting to be carried forward.
✨ Phase Five: The Mantra Through the Lens — Being One with Beauty
Adams closed his autobiography with a Gaelic mantra that had been given to him fifty years earlier by the poet Ella Young:
I know that I am one with beautyAnd that my comrades are oneLet our souls be mountains,Let our spirits be stars,Let our hearts be worlds.
This is not merely poetry. In the context of Imago Therapy, it is a therapeutic vision statement — an articulation of what a conscious, healed relationship can feel like.
In the final phase of the integrated program, the therapist offers the couple a final photography assignment rooted in this mantra:
“One with Beauty” — A Visual Love Letter:
Each partner creates a small collection of five photographs — images that answer the question:
“What is beautiful about us? Not about what we were, not about what we wish we were — but about what still exists between us, right now, in this ordinary life we share.”
The images might be humble: morning light on a shared coffee cup. A coat hanging next to another coat by the door. The pattern of two people’s shoes left together at the entrance of a home. The particular way one partner has arranged the kitchen spices.
These images — small, domestic, specific — are the visual equivalent of the Imago Dialogue’s empathy step. They say: I have been paying attention. I have seen you. I have found beauty in the ordinary fact of your existence in my life.
When these collections are shared in the therapy room, something that has been locked behind years of silence often releases. Not dramatically. Quietly. The way light comes into a room not all at once but gradually, as the day shifts.
Cultural Weaving: Photography and the South Asian Soul
The integration of photography into therapy for South Asian couples is not culturally foreign — it is, in fact, deeply resonant. Consider:
Festivals and ritual photography are central to South Asian life — weddings, Diwali, Eid, Dussehra, Gurpurab. The camera has always been present at moments of beauty and transition.
Family albums hold enormous relational weight in South Asian families — they are objects of collective memory, of pride, of mourning.
The eye as a philosophical instrument — in many South Asian spiritual traditions, darshan (the auspicious sight of the divine) and the act of seeing and being seen are sacred. Photography, understood this way, is not a Western technology imposed on Eastern experience. It is a modern extension of an ancient understanding: that to truly see is to honour.
The therapist working with this couple need not abandon cultural humility to introduce a camera into the room. Instead, they can invite the couple to bring their own photographic traditions — their wedding album, their festival images, their photographs of parents and grandparents back home — and honour these as the archive of beauty from which the couple’s shared identity was originally formed.
A Note on the Reluctant Participant
Research consistently shows that South Asian husbands engage less readily with therapeutic homework (Enhancing the Relationship Adjustment of South Asian Canadian Couples, 2016). It is worth noting here that photography-based homework changes this dynamic significantly.
Photography is:
Active, not passive — it requires going somewhere, doing something, making a choice
Technical enough to feel purposeful — for those who resist purely emotional tasks, the act of composing a photograph provides a cognitive anchor
Socially legitimate — taking photographs is a normal, culturally accepted activity that does not carry the stigma of “emotional homework”
Non-confrontational — the image speaks; the person does not have to
Many husbands who will not write in a journal, will not complete a feelings worksheet, and will not articulate emotional needs in session will — given a camera and a simple brief — come back the following week having taken thirty photographs, eager to show what they found.
The camera gives permission to feel without having to announce that you are feeling. And sometimes, that is exactly what is needed to begin.
The Conservation of Love
Ansel Adams was one of the founders of the Conservation movement — long before Global warming became a household phrase, he and his contemporaries understood that beauty, left unprotected, would be lost. They acted early. They named what was at risk. They fought for it.
The parallels to a marriage in crisis are not subtle.
The love that existed between this couple — that brought them together across families, cultures, perhaps continents — is not gone. But it is, like an old-growth forest, vulnerable to the slow erosion of neglect, the daily small destructions of inattention and stress. Immigration has accelerated this erosion. The acculturation gap has widened the cracks.
Imago Therapy, enriched by the lens of photography-based art therapy, is an act of conservation.
It says: This is worth saving. This beauty is worth the effort of seeing it again. This image has not been destroyed — it has only been underexposed. And we know how to bring it back.
Closing: A Long Shot — TDG, Ansel Adams, and the Couple at the Table
In TDG’s school of photography at Bhogal, New Delhi, a young student once sat waiting for a first lecture to begin, skeptical that photography could be a survival skill for the modern world. Over years and continents and the accumulated wisdom of masters both famous and quietly great, that skepticism dissolved into understanding:
To photograph is to practice the art of seeing. And to see — truly see — is the most radical act available to a human being.
For the South Asian couple sitting across from each other in a therapy room in Canada, learning to see again — themselves, each other, the beauty that still exists in the ordinary texture of their shared life — may be exactly the survival skill they need.
Not just to save a marriage.
But to become, as Ansel Adams believed was possible for all of us:
One with beauty.Comrades — again.
Let our souls be mountains.Let our spirits be stars.Let our hearts be worlds.
Integrated Therapy Modules at a Glance
Module
Imago Tool
Photography Exercise
Therapeutic Goal
1. Safety Building
Dialogue structure introduction
“What I See That You Don’t Know I See”
Reduce defensiveness; build curiosity
2. Emotional Mapping
Validation and mirroring
Zone System emotional mapping
Create shared emotional vocabulary
3. Collaborative Creation
Behaviour Change Request
The Collaborative Photograph
Practice negotiation and attunement
4. Archive Work
Childhood wound surfacing
Visual history of love
Connect present conflict to past joy
5. Beauty Reclamation
Conscious relationship vision
“One with Beauty” visual love letter
Renew intentional seeing and gratitude
This blog integrates principles of Imago Relationship Therapy (Hendrix & LaKelly Hunt), photography-based art therapy, and the humanistic photographic philosophy of Ansel Adams and Paul Strand. Cultural applications draw from research on South Asian Canadian couples in therapeutic contexts (2016). All clinical applications should be adapted by qualified mental health professionals with appropriate cultural competence.
‘See things from different hats, and at times, put on no hat at all. Walk alongside the client. See the world as they see it.’ This is the heart of the Johari Window in clinical practice — not just a model, but a posture of radical curiosity about the other’s inner world.
In this blog, we look at post-marital dissolution from a grief-informed existential lens.
I recall some counseling strategies just after my internship was over, and how grief-informed therapy helped deepen my practice and approach to culturally informed therapy.
In the resources section, there is a short book that summarizes key learning points gained through work with marginalized communities, working through their traumas.
Trauma informed approach is a key guiding principle in my practice as I have lived on the ground in the Libyan Arab spring, and know personally that all the wounds of war are not seen. Mindfulness based interventions to reduce stress, see our conditioning from a detached calm curious compassionate perspective and see what one has to Let Go is an approach which I have followed myself – for myself and with persons with whom I work. For example- the question- Do you have a different opinion about the Vietnam war than the common people (a question adapted from Alanon 12 step recovery fellowship) – when asked by a spiritual fellow traveler made me reflect upon my own experiences in the Arab spring, and how it is a world so very different from North American society. This has helped me tailor my approach with clients of different geographies, generations and gender.
Family Systems Approach and being aware of different dynamics is another guiding principle. Having helped my family evolve through four continents-India, North Africa, Malta-Europe and Canada and being a parent helping my sons transition in post covid North America I understand the nuances and challenges through both my lived experiences, have explored them in therapy myself and also through clinical supervision and academic study.
Psychodynamic approach would explore the unconscious and would go into the family of origin, the culture of origin. In my graduate studies, though I would go for the Third Generation Cognitive Behavioural therapy tools – like Acceptance and Commitment therapy-(ACT) all my supervisors would tell me that many of my interventions would be classified as psychodynamic. I am a big believer in noting the patterns, and if one has to go into their history-then we would want to go into family of origin. Sculpting a childhood family dinner is one of my favourite Adlerian interventions.
Existential Humanistic approach- If your best friend was giving you some suggestions what would they be? This approach has helped persons be their own friend and also reflect upon some of their associations, what brought them together in that particular phase of life, and how things have evolved. Carl Rogers told about unconditional positive regard, authenticity and empathy and how the paradox of when one accepts the client as they are, they begin to change.
Johari Window-One on One: Post marital dissolution confusion
Three scenarios – Different hats
1- P- F 50 – An immigrant from Ghana- whose husband passed away in Africa-presented with breakdown in daily functioning, was admitted to Humber River Psychiatry. One son M 11 is in foster care in Canada, daughter is a teenager, studying in high school in Ghana
2- M- M 68- An immigrant from Romania-looks after his daughter who is legally blind, cannot take care of herself. Presented with Motor Vehicle Accident-MVA-following which he has pain, difficulty in activities of daily living and anxiety, sleeplessness and worries excessively about future of daughter
2- A- M 45- immigrant from South Asia-facing confusion, uncertainty, self doubt and identity crises following post marital dissolution.
Presented with sleeplessness, suicidal ideation, mixed feelings about the life which was there with his ex-partner- soon to be ex-wife and how things have unfolded in his current life.
EARLIER PERSPECTIVES
Case Scenario: E M 37- Immigrant from India, family stayed in Middle East for a few years, before shifting to Canada- He was around 10 years old when he came. He left home at age 14 to escape a traumatic abusive dynamic of conflict and alcoholism.
2024- Presented with feelings of unease after having ended a decade long marriage, gone into another relationship which he broke up, and is now in a live-in relationship with another person, but has intrusive thoughts about his previous relationships.
2026- comes regularly for therapy to see his attachment patterns and how they play out in his current relationships.
Johari Window Exercises
The open self- what is known to both myself and others- can be truths which are undeniable over time, how they affected my relationships, especially with those I hurt, and what parts of me remained consistent and genuine. These can serve as a means to explore the personal and interpersonal dynamics, how they affect identity, isolation, meaning and freedom.
For example
C- We came together when we were in our teens. Despite her parents having warned her about me, she chose to be with me. However, around seven years after our marriage, we started drifting apart, staying together like hostel room members, avoiding any deeper discussion.
For a detailed nuanced narrative using the Johari Window- you can see this blog
…
Using a Grief informed Lens to look at the Johari Window we can ask questions in four domains
1- Pain in present life
2- Pain for the life which one could have had
3- Pain for the past self-the dreams aspirations which were not realized
4- Pain for the relationship- a lost self
5- Additionally- during conversations we went into his daily journal and his feelings of sadness when he saw young children play. Recommended PAIL network-Pregnancy and Infant Loss network to help gain a support circle.
1- Pain in present life
Creatures of a day is a tool which I use often in therapy, to describe some interactions, the context in which one met these persons, what feelings came up in those interactions. The mindfulness informed approach goes into the informal and formal modes of meditation. One can do the who, what, when, why, where, how questions to deepen the review. For eg- a client going through post marital dissolution told me that he feels less stress when he is doing his work, interacting with his work colleagues, building projects and reviewing the technicalities. When he started doing the journaling exercises I had suggested around 1-Reliability 2- Realistic 3- Reasonable 4 – Respectful 5- Responsive 6- Responsible 7- Reflective and applied them in some family related conversations, he told how he felt stressed and overwhelmed.
For example
1- Reliability
Am I reliable in that context or am I having cognitive distortions, my defenses are on the rise and I am watching carefully what I speak and how, and hence cannot be authentic and genuine in this relational dynamic.
The Johari window- when done with a trained mental health worker, can help uncover one’s blind spots- hidden from self, known the others. For example, in this case as we reviewed his interactions, he realized that work has become his safety mechanism, avoiding the difficult conversations, so that he does not have to deal with these important matters. Workaholism is one of the socially accepted and even encouraged compulsive behaviours which at times may worsen family dynamics.
The hidden self- hidden from others, known to self- came out in his body language, significant pauses and changing of topic, when asked who initiated contact and how, how long was the interaction, was there any agreed upon agenda and what was the conclusion.
Blind self
Known to others
Not known to self
Example from above scenario
Workaholism and Avoidance
Eg- I felt nice when I talked to colleagues, felt stressed when I tried to do the worksheet
Workaholism
Eg- How has this affected my relation to myself, my partner, my view of family, self-worth within relationship
Comment
Mindfulness Based CBT – Approach
Investigate the Awareness and Energy
Eg- time of day, body scan, how I felt before, during,after
Acceptance of Emotions
Eg-Being aware of and accepting how deriving self worth from sources other than family and deriding the family has led to estrangement and alienation
Blind self
Known to others
Not known to self
Example from a scenario in your life
Comment
Mindfulness Based CBT – Approach
Do a body scan and acceptance of emotions exercise and fill in
WORKSHEETS TO REFLECTIVE JOURNAL
To begin using the worksheet, set aside a quiet time and space where you can focus without distractions. Start by choosing a specific topic or question that you would like to reflect on, such as a recent experience or an ongoing challenge. The worksheet can help give structure to one’s thoughts, underlying feelings, and yearnings, and can also help one see one’s patterns.
For example, after reflecting on the worksheets completed in the week before the session (focusing on reliability and commitment in relationships) and during the session itself (considering patterns like toning down opinions, avoiding direct answers, or giving confusing responses), A M 45-m explored his attitudes toward himself, his family of origin, his family of creation, his work and workplace, and his approach to market forces and their impact on his work-life balance.
As you read this example, consider if you notice similar patterns in your own reflections or daily life. Are there areas where you might avoid certain topics, hold back your opinions, or act in less direct ways? Recognizing these tendencies in yourself can be the first step toward meaningful insight and growth.
I need to define and defend my boundaries. What are my intellectual, emotional, and time boundaries? Is my intellectual work in the industry being respected? Is my emotional boundary being acknowledged or dismissed ? Am I able to express myself genuinely?
These questions and reflections upon them made S realize his tendency to get by rather than take a stand.
He became more assertive and focused, while also appreciating the role of others in his life, both at work and in his family.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
How should I use the worksheet in my own reflection process?
How can I adapt these questions to my unique situation or challenges?
What should I do after completing the worksheet and reflecting on my answers?
Johari Window: To work through Prejudices and Presumptions
The Johari window tells about the open, hidden,blind, unknown aspects of self and is used by me to collaborate with clients to examine areas of communication, commitment and conflict. University of California psychologists Joseph Luft (1916–2014) and Harrington Ingham (1916–1995) helped conceptualize a model which helps see an individual’s position in and their relationships and interactions with others in a group (Spennemann, 2023).
Summary of writings on Mindfulness, Anger, Grief, Acculturation issues, Alienation using Erik Erikson’s- stages of Psychosocial Development.
Some examples of tools you will get in this book are
Hope-Focused Therapy, one of the group programs offered at Mantra of
Hope Counselling, draws on the acronym LOVE:
• L — Listen and Repeat (reflective listening)
• O — Observe your effects on others
• V — Value your partner’s or family member’s experience
• E — Evaluate both parties’ interests with curiosity, not judgment